I’m looking at photos I’ve taken in India and Ladakh, and watching videos on YouTube, showing places where I was too, and experiences I experienced too. And as strange as it sounds, I feel both great happiness and great sadness in the same time. I’m sitting here, in front of the computer in a little dark room… why? I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be doing this… doing nothing.
Most of my friends and acquittance know that I was doing some basic 3D modeling as part of my Second Life content creator activities. But honestly, my knowledge and experience was very basic and vague, limited to the creation of shapes by manually moving around vertices (points of the mesh making up 3D objects) mostly, using but one or two basic ones of the many advanced tools only. Really it was only good to create the limited simple custom shapes available in Second Life at that time, and known as “sculpted primitives“. Then some time later the more advanced 3D technology came to SL, allowing the creation and use of complex meshes, or in other words, 3D objects with much less limitations than sculpted prims, but my knowledge wasn’t adequite to make them, even though I understood the theory of it, I lacked practical, technical knowledge. At that time I used an old and very outdated copy of 3D Studio Max, which is (or in case of that copy, was at its time) one of the most widely used professional 3D modeling programs along with Maya, Blender, and a few more.
I wanted to catch up, and finally I decided I will start learning more about 3D so I can create these new mesh objects in Second Life. But honestly, I found using 3DS Max very complicate, and it had many features I disliked, like how it treated the 3 dimensional coordinate systems for example, it often confused me and messed up my work, not to mention instability and the obscurity of its functions. Also, it was an old copy of a proprietary software, and I thought if I learn, I should learn the latest technology, but I didn’t have $1800 for the latest 3DS Max, not to mention that even if I had, I would find it ridiculous to spend that much money if there is any other option. Well, there is!
I have been thinking a lot lately. I made quite a few mistakes, and I need a lifestyle change – or more correctly said: I need to get back to a lifestyle I lost many many years ago. I also reconsidered my current direction and efforts, including my Camino project idea and this blog – you can already see a totally new design and quite a few new features. I changed many things already and more changes are in plan. Let me explain…
I promised months ago that I start writing down my memories of the journey in India and Ladakh, and didn’t write anything since. You may wonder why – and I shall tell you. But it’s not an easy answer, I have share thoughts and feelings from the depths of my heart, and hope that you understand. I have dreams, and my imagination is full of so many shapes, colors, whole Universes waiting for break free. And I try to create – as creation is what seems to keep me still going. But every day, every hour, ever second I fight a war with the World around, that doesn’t dream anymore, that instead tries to kill everyone else’s dreams too. And often I feel too alone… even though I know, there are still other dreamers out there, fighting the same fight. Now, I invite you into my own dreams, my own heart, my own struggle and give you my eyes to see.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
- W. B. Yeats
A few days ago, after a long struggle with my inner feelings, my fear of society and my loss of artistic inspiration, I managed to overcome my demons, wrote the following on a sticky note, framed it with red pencil, and stuck it on the edge of my computer screen: “My mind can travel even when my body can’t. My mind is always Free!” Then on another note I wrote “Start up the blog!” and stuck it on the center of the screen to make it the first thing I see next morning.